When Feedback Rebounds~ Is honesty irrelevant today?
This post is counter to the one I wrote some time before on facing criticism.Just to quote a few lines from that post on the experience of facing criticism.
Facing criticism can be a debilitating experience as demonstrated by examples of comments which people receive.The words shock and rebound. and disappear into time. but the feelings remain. Sometimes, for ever” (from previous post). I talked about how we can deal with criticism.
Well, now the question is what happens if you are on the other side. The purveyor of criticism or feedback. This is another tricky situation as now you are at the giver’s end. You are going to face the brunt of the ire/ bad feelings of the recepient which may permanently affect your relationship, professional and personal. While many of those who give, do not bother about its effects on the recepients, those who are sensitive to giving and receiving, face a battle all the time. How to criticise without hurting. How to maintain relationships and self respect and be true to themselves without hurting some one’s ego.
I want to share two such experiences here, where I have been the giver and what was the consequences I faced.
One was in a situation where owing to some unpalatable circumstances, I felt compelled to give some feedback to my senior authority on some issues, which i felt was improper and was not being done properly. I had to think many times before venturing to speak about him as he was not very conducive to feedback. I decided not to take my colleagues into confidence because I thought it was better to be independent in certain situations. However, things became so bad, that i went for it. And consequences: I got a flaming in front of my colleagues, i was humiliated, penalised, banned from my office for one week. I was made out as a liar. My colleagues knew i was speaking the truth. They sided with the Boss cause they knew which side was their butter. Boss lied. Colleagues lied. I ended up looking like a fool. Later on my boss told me the reason for his vindictive behavior was I am never supposed to point fingers at him,in any way, whatever he does, howsoever inconvenient for me. This was my first experience of being target of vindictiveness for espousing my grievances and criticism. I then wondered what happened to the old qualities we were taught? That was, indeed a very harsh and frightening experience for me.
Second time, again recently, I felt a need to make my views clear on certain issues in my club. I spoke from the view of a member and how to improve certain things. I felt, i is not about accepting my views. but feedback should be given at the correct time. Anyways, the end result was I was told that my behavior is disappointing and so on. Another sad but not at all that bad compared to my previous experiences. Again the same question comes : To what end the point of being honest?
Many questions from these experiences I ask on subsequent reflection?
1 When is a good time for us to give feedback?
2 How do we give feedback? What is the best ways of giving negative feedback?
3.TO what extent should one keep one’s eye closed?
4. we may need to adapt and fit ourselves ot the contexts we are in at the moment. But how much can we adapt ourselves without selling ourselves out?
5. what would you do, if you were placed in such unpleasant situations ?
6. Are honesty, forthrightness, transparency overrated and irrelevant in today’s working world?
7. When does honesty becomes foolishness (as evidenced in my case)?
In the former case, I have the excuse of being immature but intentions were good and necessitated. I am not sure what would have been the healthy way to deal with it.
In the latter case, I was very surprised because I was only pointing out certain things which should be followed as per club rules. But the leader and other people have more flexible ways of functioning as such.
What do you think?
Related articles
- You want feedback? Let me tell you what I think about you and your blogging… (urbandaddy.wordpress.com)
- On the Receiving End of Feedback? Say “Thank You” (sowhatwouldyousay.wordpress.com)
- Giving Negative Feedback (leadinggeeks.net)
- Workplace Feedback: 8 Essential Questions (uxstrategist.wordpress.com)
- The problem with being brutally honest (reflectionsofaprodigalson.wordpress.com)
- Reduce the “Ouch” of Difficult Feedback (sowhatwouldyousay.wordpress.com)
Very brilliantly summarised the dilemma we all have to face in day to day life..
My job involves lot of feedback and advise. Therefore, I have learned enough tricks to make the pills sugar coated!
Just remember the story of that fortune teller: He told a King that the Prince will die before the King and got beaten up for that. Then he came back disguised and told the same King that the King is blessed with such a long life that he will even outlive his son the Prince. Not to mention that this time he got enough gifts from the King
It is all about timing, the tone and the situation.
As far as feasible, don’t give negative feedback in front of others- most likely it will be defended and rejected.
Feedback should not be to make the receiver defensive about anything. That is not feedback but accusation.
Never give feedback when you are frustrated or angry- most likely you will end up botching it up for you and the receiver!
As far as feasible, ensure that you have the confidence of the receiver- s/he must not doubt your integrity and objective of the feedback.
Finally, remember human beings (with minimum exception) like yes men… so to do justice to your role in giving feedback, be very detached and ready to get short term negative reactions. But be comfortable with the knowledge that sooner than later you will be able to say “I told you so” and your valuable feedback will get recognition at least in the hindsight.
Apologies for such a long comment!
well said
My experiences all point towards this. Yes sugar coated pills are more palatable to people, i guess. Something i will hopefully learn in time. And let me put it put it more frankly, you can only give criticism /feedback openly when you are in a top leadership position. Dont you think so?
From my experience, with over 80% of my feedback being given upward, no need to be in a top position to give feedback. It is all about confidence level, comfort level and trust level of the people involved.
Ah. That is good. My experiences sorrt of skewed me with this perception
These are very common situation everyone has to negotiate in everyday life. It is heartening that you took much interest to think over it.
Reflecting on my life I feel I am also a failed feed backer, but some smart and intelligent bosses have always preferred my feedback.
Treatment a feed gets is at the discretion of the receiver. It is his/her knowledge, wisdom and temperament that decides the fate of the feedback.So it is purely a subjective matter.
Besides for precisely what, for which purpose the feed back is necessary requires to be considered to design the feed back.
And finally the recipient should be made politely to understand the relevance of the feedback then only he/she will look into it positively.
I hope these will be somewhat useful to you. Thanks for taking interest to read this feedback. If you feel anything more you can ask unhesitatingly
Firstly thanks for the read
and I consider this as very important because we meet these things in every situation. Those are very valid points. and useful for me to learn n think about 
thanks for the valuable feedback 
I post my FEED back unmindful of the response. . . . .
1 When is a good time for us to give feedback?
r1. Then & There *(Conditions apply), irrespective of Positive or Negative response.
(Conditions: [a] Only if Feedback is MEANINGFUL, [b] Receiver should have ability to treat that on MERIT.
2 How do we give feedback? What is the best ways of giving negative feedback?
r2. Negative feedback SHOULD be presented in Rich-Lovely-Soft-Soothing-Clean packing.
3.TO what extent should one keep one’s eye closed?
r3. Not at all, Why should eyes be closed, Truth should be told and MUST not insist for ACCEPTANCE.
4. we may need to adapt and fit ourselves ot the contexts we are in at the moment. But how much can we adapt ourselves without selling ourselves out?
r4. Not “Selling out”, but yes to “Compromises and Adjustments” (if needed to achieve the desired results) is a Maturity & Skill.
5. what would you do, if you were placed in such unpleasant situations ?
r5. I will speak the MIND fearlessly, unconcerned of LOSSES & I know that shall open (in either case) NEW avenues to me in long run.
6. Are honesty, forthrightness, transparency overrated and irrelevant in today’s working world?
r6. No. Not at all. Honesty is always Paying but it is relatively A Long RUN.
7. When does honesty becomes foolishness (as evidenced in my case)?
r7. Honesty is Undesirable if the Ground Rules are not respected.
c1.. In the former case, I have the excuse of being immature but intentions were good and necessitated. I am not sure what would have been the healthy way to deal with it.
rc1. . That was the RIGHT thing to do under the circumstances “under your control”.
c2.. In the latter case, I was very surprised because I was only pointing out certain things which should be followed as per club rules. But the leader and other people have more flexible ways of functioning as such.
rc2. . In any NGO, the “people in power” are mostly sick of INSECURITY and shall never accept at first attempt any new-prospective-CHALLENGER .
c3.. What do you think?
rc3. . Ignore the Responses . . . . “Karm Kiye jaa- Phal ki chinta mat kar . . .”
Rgds,
fakeergandhi / aakash
just felt very good reading your responses and answers to my questions. love it.
One of the worrisome factors of giving and receiving is what you have exactly summarized – be prepared for wrath or ridicule! When you want to express genuinely, there is bound to be a quarter who may not sync with those comments as you would perhaps wish them to. At the same time, all those who are *givers* must be ready to accept whatever they get in return, be it accolades or criticisms. If one is capable of giving criticisms then they are equally bound to accept the same as well. To flourish on a one way system does not work in current times. Be ready to criticize, be it positive or negative, and so also be ready to receive and accept criticism, however negative or rude they may be.
If you bifurcate this emotion of disgruntle, you will realize that it mostly emerges from that quarter who find themselves at a threshold where it makes them near impossible to accept anything negative simply because of what they possess by virtue or achieve by career. There is a saying “that the Boss is always right”! That was so in the distant past. An erstwhile era bygone and disintegrated. These days the Boss culture is no more in existence. If at all it is, that must be in very limited pockets. In this advanced era of technology, the culture has evolved to accept and respect mutually – in most cases. It was hard luck in your case.
Being public is being transparent and a responsible one at that too. One is duty bound by his commitment to the society and equally duty bound to accept adulation and accusation alike. They should be sane in negotiating and tackling such circumstances without hurting their hitherto accumulated social status, respect so on and so forth.
An excellent subject, well thought out and narrated Jyothi.
and that was a painful one for me. However,after i shared my thoughts out, i feel a greater sense of peace.
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