Criticism can kill or make
“This is absolutely shoddy work. You are useless. You are good for nothing. You will never do anything in else in life. You are the cause of my embarrassment…”
The words shock and rebound. and disappear into time. but the feelings remain. Sometimes, for ever.
Many of us at different times in our lives have received similar comments at different times in our lives at different hands. Parents, Spouses, Children, Friends, Bosses. The language may differ but the emotion conveyed is the same and the feeling created in you is the same. A sense of feeling of misery, disappointment and self rejection.sometimes, self hatred. We don’t have much choices in this situation. We either accept the criticism without comment, with stoicism and move on. or, we wallow in the pain caused by those words until the pain remains and become a permanent part of us as self criticism.
A killer word. How do we live with criticism? Whether deserved or undeserved, criticism can take a heavy toll on a person’s morale and sensitivities. It can debilitate a person’s confidence .How do we cope with criticism/comments hurtful remarks and take it in our strides? How can we convert something so damaging into a positive statement. If we just ignore it, we may overlook some important insights to be gleaned about us. If we take it to heart, then it hinders and becomes a weight on us, punishes, restrains and ties us under a weight of self judgement.
Some important steps which can help an extremely sensitive person to manage and cope with criticism:
1. It is not ABOUT you. thousands of millions of people face it everyday.
2. Deal with the criticism immediately and let it go. Immediate action. Do NOT let it fester.
3.Allow yourself to accept your feelings. It is okay to feel bad at being criticised. Feel it and let it go.
4. Study the criticism in a detached fashion. Ask yourself do you really feel you merit it ? Be objective in this, rather than being emotional about it. List down the reasons you deserve it or not.writing it down help you to focus on the objective, rather than the emotional. A dispassionate mind helps you in taking effective action.
5. Some criticisms may be more personal than objective and the sting may be more severe. In which case, the best way ( it works for me) is FORGIVE and FORGET. It takes time, effort and may seem arduous initially, as our natural tendency is to hate the person who judges us and brings down our self worth. But , try it and be persistent. You will learn to be at peace and you will be happier.You will move on.
6. Always remember no body likes to bear the brunt of criticism and so, when it is your turn to criticise somebody, be objective , truthful but be kind. Deliver your medicine in a positive way so that the other person is not de motivated but be truthful as the person should have confidence in you at all times. Remember, what goes around, comes around.
7.Also remember, the severest critic is many times our greatest friend because he or she has the courage to tell us what our shortcomings are, which we may sometimes be ignorant of.
Frequent memories of criticisms may haunt us especially, those sustained during childhood days. These, if carried into adulthood may have a debilitating effect on our functioning as an adult. It is very important to forgive and forget and move on.Let those memories come and go. Do not judge them. Accept your pain and let it go. Do not hold onto them. Replace those thoughts with positive thoughts. Try to think of something positive you did today or some praise you received and combat those thoughts.
We need to live our life with positive will and spirit.It is very easy to break down under circumstances. But how we manage them is a key to our survival and courage. Remember , always that the greatest leaders, the explorers, scientists, discoverers have faced innumerable criticism and yet they thrived and persisted, in spite of it. They were true to themselves and listened to their voices. We should learn to be true to ourselves and not bow down just because of a few words…
Criticism can kill or make.It is up to you in what direction you want to ride it.
I agree with what you say. But for a child who is unable to deal with this and facing it day in and day out, it leaves a permanent scar on the persona, making him/her almost socially dysfunctional as a grown up. It affects productivity in later life due to low self-esteem and it is almost impossible to shake it off. When a tragedy strikes, you simply fold up. A living nightmare.
I experienced this. even though i am trying to help myself, at times those old behaviours come up. criticism especially during formative years can be so debilitating. can rupture ur self esteem and lose your confidence. it stays on even in adulthood.i am quite serious about understanding and helping myself and others also,
A nice article… but as they say.. its easier said than done…
but definitely worth trying…
yes.not easy but critical and vital. Life is filled with criticism at different levels. How one copes and successfully manages is key. The worst is at the childhood level. Insensitive criticism/labelling can damage the growing psyche and the wounds will carry on into adulthood and show up in the form of low self esteem , lack of confidence. Even as adults, we need to know how to manage criticism keeping in mind the competitiveness in the workplace and ultimately for our health and well being
Criticism is very destructive. Motivation on the other hand is very positive. A small word of encouragement can do wonders to a person. Even if you have to highlight points of improvement, it can be done in a positive and encouraging manner so that it does not destroy the confidence and dent the self-esteem permanently.
After reading the article, I was reminded of a story I heard long back….thought of sharing it here too…
The Frog Story
A group of frogs were hopping contentedly through the woods, going about their froggy business, when two of them fell into a deep pit. All of the other frogs gathered around the pit to see what could be done to help their companions. When they saw how deep the pit was, they agreed that it was hopeless and told the two frogs in the pit that they should prepare themselves for their fate, because they were as good as dead.
Unwilling to accept this terrible fate, the two frogs began to jump with all of their might. Some of the frogs shouted into the pit that it was hopeless, and that the two frogs wouldn’t be in that situation if they had been more careful, more obedient to the froggy rules, and more responsible. The other frogs continued sorrowfully shouting that they should save their energy and give up, since they were already as good as dead.
The two frogs continued jumping with all their might, and after several hours of this, were quite weary. Finally, one of the frogs took heed to the calls of his fellow frogs. Exhausted, he quietly resolved himself to his fate, lay down at the bottom of the pit, and died.
The other frog continued to jump as hard as he could, although his body was wracked with pain and he was quite exhausted. Once again, his companions began yelling for him to accept his fate, stop the pain and just die. The weary frog jumped harder and harder and, wonder of wonders, finally leaped so high that he sprang from the pit.
Amazed, the other frogs celebrated his freedom and then gathering around him asked, “Why did you continue jumping when we told you it was impossible?”
The astonished frog explained to them that he was deaf, and as he saw their gestures and shouting, he thought they were cheering him on. What he had perceived as encouragement inspired him to try harder and to succeed against all odds.
This simple story contains a powerful lesson. The book of Proverbs says, “There is death and life in the power of the tongue”. Your encouraging words can lift someone up and help them make it through the day. Your destructive words can cause deep wounds; they may be the weapons that destroy someone’s desire to continue trying – or even their life. Your destructive, careless word can diminish someone in the eyes of others, destroy their influence and have a lasting impact on the way others respond to them. Be careful what you say.
Speak life to (and about) those who cross your path. There is enormous power in words. If you have words of kindness, praise or encouragement – speak them now to, and about, others. Listen to your heart and respond. Someone, somewhere, is waiting for your words…
God bless you…
An important lesson for me. QUOTE “Always remember no body likes to bear the brunt of criticism and so, when it is your turn to criticise somebody, be objective , truthful but be kind.” UNQUOTE . Nice post!!
Thanks. It is an important lesson for you, me and everybody, which we all tend to forget. You can look at twitter for instance and see the amount of abuse and lampooning which goes on if you dont agree with somebody. I feel a bit sad because of that. we all love to disagree and criticise and we hurt each other by this behaviour of ours. Legitimate criticism has its value but it should be couched in a positive way.
What was the motto behind writing this? Too much criticism on you?
This is an issue which I have been wrestling with through life. I have faced criticism at different stages and different levels and from different people. Childhood criticism is the most painful for me. I think some of us just gloss over it without realising we may be affected by it some way or another and some actions of ours may have its roots there. For me, It is frankly a challenge of how to cope with criticism without it affecting my self esteem and how to stand up for yourself. My sensitivity to criticism has resulted in low self esteem and low self confidence.
So I thought to share my thoughts for those who feel the same as me or who dont feel the same and just to share some ideas by which we can help ourselves.
Yeah…agree. But in my case it will give me some reason to fight. A reason to prove yourself. To show the world what you can do. But as you said, it may demoralise some people easily and they can never get out of it. And you must never criticise a kid.
Yes. That is an excellent way to countering criticism. to take action. But all of us are not made the same way. Some of us are more gentle and sensitive. That does not mean that we are not intelligent or brave. We may not be the sort of fiery persona. so we need to find methods or solutions that work the best for us. My ideas here as to how i would deal with it as i am a very very sensitive person. But would appreciate other ways of dealing also.
While reading yr blog ,I was sort of pushed into history, in late seventies , when I used to stammer a lot,as an after effect of jaundice.
Most of my school friends used to often belittle me and I used to have a tough time in being my normal self.
My parents did try their level best to keep my morale , but , I wish I had read this blog “those days” I would have a lot better school journey.
Never the less , taking a printout and keeping it with me.
Will also post a copy of this blog (after your permission) onto my local Resident Welfare Association notice board.
Hope to see lots more blogs from your end.
May God bless you,
Umesh
Hi Umesh.
Thanks for your comment. I really appreciate your bringing out such personal troubles here. I can understand the pain you go through. i have had my own shares of comments in school and during growing up and even now. everybody is not naturally equipped to deal with this. i thought i would share something so important for me. I wish i had also known these ideas and i am sure it would have help to cope up with things better..